Posted by: classyjacksonville | April 6, 2009

Jacksonville Mall

The Jacksonville Mall

Perhaps I am a misanthrope or a communist, but malls have never had that much appeal to me. The gleaming halls of America’s bright shining capitalism have always felt empty, cold and perhaps a little bit out of reach with their shean of unattainability to a poor boy growing up in an economically depressed Pacific Northwest logging town. However there has been one mall that has made me consider otherwise, and has forced me to reconsider the commercial and anthropological opportunites a mall presents. And that mall is the Jacksonville Mall of Jacksonville, North Carolina.

The Jacksonville Mall is situated on Western Boulevard, the busiest and most congested thouroughfare in all of Jacksonville. Like many malls in America, the Jacksonville mall is a one story affair, constructed with a brick facade and anchored with department stores at the extremeties. Inside are various chain stores that one can find at most malls, Sunglass Hut, the Gap, American Eagle, Foot Locker, Radio Shack, and the hip sophisticate’s outfitter of choice, Hot Topic. There are shoe stores, jewelry stores, stores selling urban clothing, a music and movie store, and a more recent arrival and new intellectual hangout, Barnes and Noble.

On the surface, it wouldn’t appear that the Jacksonville mall is so different, but by keeping a keen eye open and an alert state of mind, there are some subtle differences and different players than you would find at most malls. I now present to you three characters that one would only be able to find at the Jacksonville Mall.

1. Boot Camp Bob
Boot Camp Bob is a recent graduate of Marine Combat Training at Camp Johnson and is on weekend liberty. Boot camp Bob was not well off in high school and has no sense of fashion or a collection of clothing. He was told in boot camp that he was allowed to wear his issued web belt and combat boots out in town with civilian attire and has decided to do so. Since he was also encouraged to purchase at MCT a unit tshirt, he has decided to wear it as well with the one pair of blue jeans he brought with him from home. And since poor boot camp Bob is afflicted with near sightedness, he also is wearing the large government issue glasses given to recruits in bootcamp, endearingly called BCG’s or birth control goggles for the wearers complete inability to be able to have sexual intercourse (It’s true, BCG’s are 99% more effective than both the pill and condoms).Boot Camp Bob will most likely take a Tarheel Taxi minivan with four or five other privates and PFC’s to the mall and will then conduct their shopping, particularly on a pay day weekend.

2. Dirt people wife
Overweight wearing a mustard stained wife beater and coming directly from her trailer in her grey 1988 Chevrolet Cavalier station wagon with rust finish, the dirt people wife unloads her 4 kids from the car and brings them into the mall, one in her arms, one in a stroller, and the other two shambling behind her. Since she made a good chunk of money working at La Mirage the night before (this being payday weekend), she has decided to treat herself with a stylish new pink feather boa and some unmentionables from Victoria’s Secret. Her children are loud and misbehave but she takes no notice of them and allow them to run amuck everywhere. Until once, they get too out of hand and she smacks them all upside the head which makes them all cry.

3. Marine Wife
Unloading her five kids from her minivan which is adorned with a plethora of amazing classy Jacksonville bumper stickers, the little stick figure stickers representing all the members of the family, a “half my heart is in Iraq” sticker, a “if you can read this thank a teacher, if you can read this in english thank a US marine” sticker,  the “my daddy fights for our freedom” sticker  and of course the “Hardest Job in the corps, marine wife” sticker. Having a had a good night dancing at the Driftwood the night before, she has decided to go treat herself to some new body care products from Bath and Body works and a new bumper sticker from the bumper sticker in the kiosk in the middle of the mall. Her children are loud and obnoxious as well, especially after one of them runs away after this wife runs into another marine wife and they begin to talk about how hard their lives are and how the military and all its nonsense paperwork are absurd.

4. The Chutster

Before the chutster can go out to his bar of choice, Lucky’s or Hooligans or for the more intellectual ones, Hooters, he needs the proper clothing. He takes his paycheck and after spending some of it on a “death before dishonor” tattoo, he decides he needs a new shirt. Parking his Ford Mustang after almost running over a slightly overweight man wearing BCG’s trying to get to his Nissan in the parking lot, the chutster makes his way to the American Eagle store to buy a new shirt. This shirt is pink, two sizes too small (to show off your ripped and roarked muscles) and contrasts really well with the tribal tattoo he already has coming down from his eagle globe and anchor tattoo on his arm. He goes down to the kiosk selling baseball caps and buys a miller lite cap that is already slightly torn and worn looking and after purchasing it, places it on his head and tilts it slightly to the side. He then goes and buys a new pair of shades, oakley sunglasses to be exact. He also needs to stock up on protein powder and HGH and buys some at GNC. The chutster will then walk back to his car, walking into 4 different people because he’s the fucking man and doesn’t get out of the way for anybody. He’s ready to go impress the ladies.

As you can see, the Jacksonville Mall has quite a few different characters which help add to the class and charm that is Jacksonville, North Carolina. Hopefully one day you will be able to observe these people in their natural habitat.



  1. Holy shit.
    Can we be best friends?

    • Sure, why not?

  2. Awesome. I love friends.

  3. ha.

    May I suggest a website you might like reading? The Phat Phree and the articles of “Look at my striped shirt” “Welcome to every date ever” and all articles by Napalm Jones.

  4. You have got to be a RadBn Marine. . I’m a former 1st RadBn. I know a RadBn Marine when I see one.

    • I was, now I have a beard and collect unemployment.

  5. Funny stuff

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