Posted by: classyjacksonville | March 16, 2009

Wal Mart, Friday Evening, Pay Day

Wal Mart, Friday Evening, Pay Day

In any town in any region of America, the local Wal Mart is a bastion and bulwark, not only of the local economy and culture, but also an island of unbeatable every day low prices. While much maligned by the social elite and blamed for the decay of many small business and urban centers throughout America, the Wal Mart business model has proved to be both brilliant and unbeatable and has been much copied since its inception and it is hard to imagine life without Wal Mart. Where else can one buy 12 tube socks for $3 at 9 o’clock at night? And true to form, Classy Jacksonville has afforded us with an especially delightful Wal Mart experience, actually two of them. And it has been my experience that the best time to visit Jacksonville’s finest shopping establishment is on the first or fifteenth of the month, or the Friday preceeding those days if they happen to fall on weekend. These days happen to also correspond to when the Defense Financial and Accounting Service pays all service men and women. Our correspondant decided to brave the mass of humanity last Friday and infiltrated Wal Mart. I later interviewed him here in my new artist’s loft overlooking Camp Lejeune’s waste water treatment plant.

Classy Jacksonville: Hey how’s it going Olympic Bob?
Olympic Bob: Pretty good I’d say
CJ: Can I fix you a drink?
OB: Yeah sure, I’ll take some Rye neat.
CJ: Good call, I just got this really good bottle from the liquor store.
OB: Oh, really, (takes a sip) wow this is really good. You have amazing and discerning taste.
CJ: Well of course I do. Well onto our subject now. Wal Mart, Friday evening, pay day. Describe your drive from base to Wal Mart. Was it uneventful for the most part?
OB: I would say so. Well, after sitting in traffic for over 30 minutes trying to get out the main gate, I was cut off by an Eclipse, two Mustangs and almost collided into the new Dodge Charger. The traffic then creaked along 24 and Western, and I eventually made it into the parking lot.
CJ: Now describe for those readers who have never been to the Wal Mart on Western where it is situated and what sort of ordeal one must go through to get into it.
OB: Sure, well the older Wal Mart, and I would say the busier one, is located on the corner of Highway 17 and Western Boulevard, the busiest intersection in all of Jacksonville. It normally takes about five minutes and several cycles to get through the light and there are always people trying to switch lanes at the last moment and who are unable to get over in time for the lane they want. After getting through the intersection and entering the parking lot, there are several obstacles of speed bumps to contend with and the occasional obese wife or retired veteran hobbling around.
CJ: How would you describe the parking situation there? Ideal or amazing?
OB: I would say amazing. Not only is it nearly always full, there are several popular establishment on the fringes of the lot which are also full, such as Chuck E Cheeses and one Jacksonville’s finest restaurants, Golden Corral.
CJ: Now you’ve spent several minutes circling the lot and finding a spot and now you’ve got one and you’re walking inside. What first strikes you besides the world famous Wal Mart greeters.
OB: What I noticed first was a huge billboard on the wall with pictures of Marines in uniform, and yellow ribbons. It is obvious that this town is full of patriots and honors and respects its military.
CJ: So you’ve entered and you’re walking around. What is your general impression and what is the mood of the place?
OB: Really the only thing I can compare it to is the last shopping days before Christmas only instead of a joyous exhaustion about their movements, there is tinge of desperation among the families, thinking about their needs for the upcoming weeks and their budget for shopping and the other bills they have to pay, like their newly lifted Silverado. No matter where you go in the store it is crowded with families with all their 5 children in tow, young couples shopping for furnishings, and just a teeming mess of pulsing Jacksonville humanity.
CJ: The goods that are on sale there, was there anything that stuck out in your mind?
OB: They have an excellent selection of patriotic t-shirts and hats. You can buy firearms there. And even though you have a choice between an 18 or 24 pack of Milwaukee’s Best Light, there are also a couple tasty favorites like the Coor’s owned Blue Moon and Redhook ESB. Through and through, one of the better shopping stops in Jacksonville.
CJ: Can you buy a Mossy Oak hat there?
OB: Yes you can, aren’t they fucking amazing?
CJ: Hellz yeah they are. So how long did you have to wait in line to check out of Wal Mart?
OB: 17 minutes. Even though there were a lot more registers, it only seemed like half of them were being used. I’m not sure why that was, perhaps they’re having some sort of anthropological effeciency experiment.
CJ: So, all in all, would you describe your trip to purchase tube socks and razor blades a success?
OB: I would, not only did I get what I needed, I also purchased an amazing Mossy Oak hat and what should have been a 30 minute trip instead turned into a 2 hour journey into the heart of classy jacksonville.
CJ: Thanks Olympic Bob, you want another drink.
OB: I think I need one

Wal Mart on pay day is to be avoided at all costs. Not only will you most likely get stampeded by a herd of obese women, it will take a ridiculously long time and you will leave frustrated an unfufilled. Neither of which should happen while you are shopping in America.



  1. Amusing, funny, kind of sad, and very true.

    • My sentiments exactly. Sadly true yet funny. I must admit I do get the best rx prices there though. However, I NEVER go on a Fri.night or weekend. Also I laugh thinking back – one midnight before Christmas my daughter & I went to Walmart to buy toys, after the malls closed, I guess. Her husband had no idea Walmart was open 24 hrs. & was ready to call the police. LOLOL

  2. Hi this blog is great I will be recommending it to friends.

  3. it doesn’t matter how shitty my day has been, i can read this blog and all seems right with the world. this is the funniest thing i have ever read, probably because it is all so true. this paints the perfect picture of jacksonville. thanks for always making me laugh!

  4. They should charge people admission to get into that city, and form your blog into a pamphlet with which to recognize the different creatures scrambling about.

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