Posted by: classyjacksonville | July 8, 2008

Bumper Stickers

This person is obviously not a patriot, there aren\'t enough flags on this car

This person is obviously not a patriot, there aren't enough stickers

Bumper stickers are not just a phenomenon to Classy Jacksonville, they are also a common occurance among white people, but Classy Jacksonville goes beyond those Prius driving granola eaters and makes sure the entire world knows what they think. Bumper stickers in Jacksonville can pretty much divided into 4 catagories, general patriotic stickers, job specific stickers, southern stickers and marine wife stickers. Excellent exemplar can be seen from all 4 catagories all over the town and most of the time all on the same vehicle. Bumper stickers is one of the few ways individuality and pride can be displayed for the entire world to see. And when there are only 40,000 marines on Camp Lejeune, you want to make sure they know you are a marine, because they might not be able to figure it out from just the haircut.

General patriotic bumper stickers are not just a local fad (anyone anywhere in America after 9/11 could attest to that) but Jacksonville has quite a few that go above a beyond the call of duty so that while you are driving there is no doubt in your mind that that car is driven by a true, red blooded American, and not some turban wearing sikh plotting your destruction whose middle name is Hussein. There are your American flag stickers, your American flag magnetic ribbons, your yellow magnetic ribbons. There are also combination flag with statement stickers, such as “these colors don’t run” or “these colors don’t run, never have never will,” or “God bless America” for those who aren’t quite sure a visual symbol is quite enough. All of these can vary in size, from occupying just the beam behind the back seat window, a small corner of the bumper, or an entire rear window. Obviously the more stickers you have or the larger the sticker you have, the more patriotic you are. There is also a small subset of these for those that are extra patriotic. A recent favorite I saw the other day stated “once you have them by the balls, you can win their hearts and minds.” Truer words have never been said.

Job specific stickers can alert the unaware with all sorts of things that they should know, like your unit, your awards, and maybe even your job (i.e. scout sniper or doc). The terrorists need to know who they are fighting against before you even leave Jacksonville and the best way for marines in classy Jacksonville to do that is by displaying all this information on the back of their car. Most cars have a huge eagle, globe and anchor on them because their recruiter gave them one when they joined and told them it would get them out of tickets when they were pulled over. The more of these you have on your car, the more you love your job and the marine corps and the higher your proficiency and conduct marks will become during marine corps performance reviews and the faster you will get promoted. If you won a combat action ribbon, you can buy one of those stickers. If you are a machine gunner, you can buy one that says, “we kill them all and let god sort them out.” If you are special forces or a veteran of any sort of campaign, be it Vietnam, desert storm, or Operation Iraqi freedom, you can get a sticker for that. It should also be noted that all these stickers look particularly classy and tasteful on the back of a Ford Mustang.

Southern stickers are not on every car in Classy Jacksonville, but they are on quite a few. Not everyone in classy Jacksonville is from the south, but there are a lot, and they will let you know. Apparently there is still a large southern secessionist movement going on, because there are enough confederate flag stickers here that if all of them wanted to join together to overthrow the northern aggressors, I’m sure they could. I don’t know why the northern aggressors allowed them into the marine corps, but I’m sure they are plotting a coup and violent overthrow as we speak or at least plotting to prevent gays from marrying. But those individuals who display these confederate flag stickers will tell you it is about history and tradition. It is heartwarming to know that the stars and bars no longer represent racism, slavery, segregation or a violent movement to rip a nation in two and deprive people of their basic human rights, because defending our nation from the marauding mohamedeans is enough of a challenge for this country. There are also the redneck stickers, save a bull, ride a cowboy stickers, and stickers from all the universities of the SEC. The last one is a good sign, because it’s obvious those individuals value education and learning.

Marine wife stickers are among the most classy of all those seen in Classy Jacksonville. It is great to know that there are so many loyal and faithful marine wives out there, who when not eating at Golden Corral, throwing swingers parties at Tarawa Terrace, or pulling their five kids around wal mart, miss their husbands so much and are so proud of what they do. It is so rare today in America to see women this loyal, that as soon as their husbands leave, they put a “half my heart is in Iraq” sticker on their mini-van and start working out and tanning so they look perfect by the time their marine comes back home. None of us could possibly know the sort of heartache and challenges they face, especially not their combat veteran husbands. And so when I see “marine wife, hardest job in the corps” sticker, I think about how proud I am to be an American. And how much marine wives add to classy Jacksonville.

Bumper stickers are an integral piece of Jacksonville culture and without them, we would not know whose daddy fights for our freedom. Other cultures may leave behind the Iliad or the Aenied, but Classy Jacksonville will have it’s bumper stickers, which add an important chapter to the cannon of world literature.

NOTE: If you see a Classy Jacksonville bumper sticker and would like to share it with the rest of the world, send it in. If you can get a picture of it, that’s even better.

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Responses

  1. Classy Jacksonville culture must only be right downtown, or hidden behind a gated condo complex, since what I have seen of greater Jacksonville is one of the worst outbreaks of hardcore, redneck trailer trash in Florida, and maybe in the entire nation!

    It’s really a shame this deplorable uncivilized element can’t be pushed out into the swamps, (which they would likely relish), as they have been in most of South Florida.

    Maybe one day.

  2. To be fair to the comment left by the previous gentleman, yes, Jacksonville, Florida, is indeed one of the best large white trash/redneck communities I have ever seen, but we’re talking about Jacksonville, North Carolina here, which falls more into the military town/crackhead/white trash/redneck Southern city category.

  3. “Other cultures may leave behind the Iliad or the Aenied, but Classy Jacksonville will have it’s bumper stickers”

    That was a gem. As a Marine wife, I probably won’t have any of these stickers proclaiming I’m one, not that I’m any less proud of what my husband does, I just don’t feel the need to shout it from my car’s back end. And I prefer a cleaner aesthetic on my car 🙂 To each his own though.

    One question – why don’t they have “Marine Corps Mistress?” sticker. That would definitely mix things up.


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