Posted by: classyjacksonville | June 20, 2008

What is Classy Jacksonville?

One of the four Texan themed steakhouses of Jacksonville being flown over by one of America\'s finestClassy Jacksonville is the summnation of all things amazing about Jacksonville. When you are blessed to live in such an amazing corner of God’s country like Jacksonville, you begin to appreciate all the things that make Jacksonville great. It’s hard to describe Jacksonville to the uninitiated, but I shall make a feeble attempt.

Classy Jacksonville is roaring out the Camp Lejeune main gate at four o’clock p.m. in your Ford Mustang that you bought straight after graduating from Marine Combat training at one of the many of the dealerships in town offering “financing guaranteed E-1 and up” which you will lose in approximately 3 months when you are unable to make payments on it and the bank reposses it. You think, wow brosif, this car is really awesome and it’s too bad that spoiler on the back isn’t any bigger. You also think, shit this traffic is horrendous, (except you won’t use horrendous, there is far too many syllables in that word), and you will turn up your stereo and rev your engine really loud which will not only show to everyone around how cool you are, but also how large your penis is (you will have a penis as well, 80% of the marine corps is male). You will admire the confederate  flag bumper sticker you attached to your rear window, that states, “Some may try, but it will never die.” Eventually you will tire of this, get antsy, cut off an overweight woman in a minivan coming out of midway park with a bumper sticker stating “half my heart is in Iraq” and “My daddy fights for our freedom” 3 magnetic yellow ribbons, a baby on board sign, and a rear window that has been colorized like an American flag blowing in the breeze. You will pass by large oversized and lifted trucks, almost hit me in my rusty Nissan Maxima, and finally you will be on NC state highway 24 headed west. 

You start driving as fast as you possibly can, and even though everyone else is trying the same thing, you need to continue to show your dominance, male primacy and grotesquely large penis, and drive even faster. You come up to that fine establishment of gentleman’s entertainment up on your right, the Driftwood, and you start driving down the line. You see a steady stream of fine retail establishments. A tailors, a dry cleaners, a used car dealership, a tattoo parlor, a barber shop. This combination will repeat itself over and over again pretty much throughout the whole town, with a fast food restaurant, big box store or chain restaurant thrown into the mix. You’ll finally get up to the corner of 24 and Western Boulevard, but not before passing a porn store called “Gruntz” (grunt besides being something you do when physically exerting yourself is also the widely used nickname given to infantry marines), a pawn store or two, the waffle shoppe. The corner of Western and 24 is home to the “Gas-donalds” a gas station, McDonalds combination and if you turn left the gate to one of the classiest places to live in Jacksonville, Tarawa Terrace, the enlisted on base housing. 

You take a right onto Western and accelerate quickly again, because you almost forgot how large your penis is and can’t help but laugh as you see other penises shrivel when they hear your Mustang growl. You pass by car dealerships, the Jacksonville Mall, Smithfields BBQ, Starbucks, Discount Tobacco (which is run by Syrian spies), Hooters, Food Lion, Fuddruckers, Applebees, until you get to Highway 17 and Western and see the best place for low prices and American flag t-shirts, the Super Walmart. You can also see the Waffle House (distinct difference between Waffle House and Waffle Shoppe: Waffle House is an all pervasive southern chain whereas Waffle Shoppe is only in Jacksonville. Also Waffle Shoppe has corn beef hash, and Waffle House doesn’t), two of Jacksonville’s four Texan themed steakhouses, Outback Steakhouse, and Ruby Tuesdays. You can also see a few hotels, motels and other places where marines will take their girlfriends, boyfriends or their 36 pack of coors light and get crazy for the weekend. 

Keep going down Western and there is Best Buy, a couple of thrift stores, Lowes, Target and the business man’s choice, Chilis. Then suddenly you are in the middle of a Tobacco field and you realize, oh man, I can’t believe I just got stationed here for the next 3 years of my life, I should go get lance corporal chevrons tattooed to my arms. And thank god my dick is huge brah. It’s time for some Jaeger bombs.

NOTE: It is the intended goal of this blog to document life in Jacksonville, North Carolina as best we can, especially the Classy Jacksonville life. Few have the blessed opportunity to live here, and even fewer believe us when we provide accurate portrayals of life here and believe we only jest or are being elitist or are not finding the simple, enjoyable things here. But we try to, and through this blog and the forthcoming photos, we hope to depict Classy Jacksonville in all its glory.

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Responses

  1. America

  2. Yep that about sums it up. Course when we lived there no Best Buyand no starbuck… just rice pudding female wrestlers, pawn shops and walmart. Count yourself lucky Jacksonville is becoming cultured.

  3. ha! I just discovered this blog and love it! I only moved here two months ago and am already ‘mesmerized’ by the culture here.

    Good credit, bad credit, no credit? We finance!

  4. Also, in regards to your NOTE:
    “Many a true word is spoken in jest”

    Now I’m off to do more reading…


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